Scrambled Lines of Communication

Today I spent 40 minutes on the phone with AT&T's "customer service," being bounced around from department to department. Six, to be exact. I have the phone numbers they gave me to prove it. Why aren't all these department numbers listed online so we can just look them up and cut out the automated voice middle man?? Just trying to reset my account username and password so I can pay my Internet bill here!

I am told to press 1 for English. I am told about new payment options. I am told about changes to this and that AT&T services. Then I am told to enter my phone number. I am told to enter my zip code. Each time the Voice slowly repeats the numbers to be sure that was what I entered. Hurry up. Finally: "Press 1 for AT&T technical issues, press 2 for website access issues." Ummm, well, let's see it could be either one. I press 2. Wait...I think that was wrong. Oh no! I didn't mean it! I take it back. But no one is listening. The Voice has no ears. It starts rattling on about something irrelevant to my problem. I have to start ALL OVER AGAIN...

"Please enter the number associated with your account." ...I pause. Is this my number, or Adam's? Because the account is in his name. Or is it the random number some lady gave me 15 minutes ago before transferring me to another department that turned out to be a dead end. I close my eyes and enter one. "You entered (number I guessed). Is this correct?" Umm, I don't know. This has nothing to do with my problem. Uh, I'll try another one.

After another failed attempt the automated Voice says, "Hmm, let me try some thing else." Yes, please do, this isn't working. The Voice tells me to "Choose one of the following options." Uh-oh. I've heard that line before. Will I pick the wrong one and have to start over? Please list my option, please list my option! After fooling around with option selections, the Voice finally says it will connect me with a representative. Yes! All I ever wanted - a live person! I just want to talk to a voice with a pulse.

Hold. The same few bars of lame music loop around an inestimable number of times while I wait. I guess this is better than the Voice because it means I am closer to human contact. Meanwhile, I'm still trying and failing to access my account online. But, then, behold! A new option graces my screen: Chat with a Representative! A new lead. It's worth a shot while I wait. A little chat window appears. I'm told to enter some information and wait. Now I'm waiting while I wait.

The music on my phone has stopped and a new automated voice is instructing me on the "convenient, new way" to pay my bill online. Ha! It's convenient alright - about as convenient as triple bypass surgery. The new voice continues its instructions.

Meanwhile, there is actually a representative instant messaging me about my account! Can it be? I tell her my problem and within minutes she messages that my password has been reset. Go ahead and log in to make sure it works. My spirit stirs, hope surges. Will it work?

Suddenly the automated voice in the phone stops and there's a pause. I hold my breath. A voice with a pulse comes on. But I don't need him anymore. I tell him so and, as I hang up, I hope that I'm right.

The chat representative tells me to use our wireless number as username. Wait, that doesn't sound right. Oh no... When I log in, it takes me to my wireless account instead of my Internet one. NOOOO! I try to clarify with the Chat Representative. Unfortunately, she can't help me like that. She's just like all the rest.

Dejectedly, and after a cry of desperation and anger, I pick up my phone and start all over again, from the beginning, with the first familiar automated voice. Hello, old friend. After more options, more hold music, and another transfer I reach the right department. The Final Voice with a pulse answers with, "How can I make you a happy AT&T customer today?" Oh, buddy. I can tell you exactly how you could make me a happy customer. Less than 3 minutes later I finally have a new username and password. I feel like I could kiss him, or at least bake him cookies. I would like to send him a thank you card, or a fruit basket, or a bottle of wine.

Really. With all the shiny smartphones and blackberries, iPads, iPhones, email, texting, real time face-to-face chat, Skype, IM, and social networks, our lines of communication leave something to be desired. A lot actually. Quite a lot, a lot.